Creation
St Peter is frantic, he hasn't been able to find God for a week. On Sunday God turns up looking exhausted but very pleased with himself. St Peter askes where he's been, so God takes him outside the gates and points down and says 'see that green and blue thing down there? I made that, it's perfect, it's all about opposites, good and bad, warm and cold, highs and lows but do you see that big ol' place there? Thats the best place down there, it's perfect, it's white and beautiful, the people are amazing and the beer is great, I called that Canada' Peter is confused and says 'God if its all about opposites, how come this place is so good?' God replies, 'You should see the fuckers I put beside them.'

Now this funny
A woman is throwing a themed fancy dress party and the theme is moods, so later that night there is a knock at the door and the person at the door is in all red he states that he has come as anger. The next person is in all green and he says he has come as envy. then the door bell goes and when she opens it there is a 2 men there. 1 standing with his willy in a bowl of custard and the other with his knob inside a pear, looking shocked she asks what have they come as, to which 1 man answers I'm fucking despair and he's fucking disgusted.

Now this funny (part 2)
A man who lives with just his mother goes on holiday and leaves his beloved cat at home. He asks his brother to pop in every day at the 2 o'clock and he'll ring up ("phone" for the Americans) to check on things. The next day comes and the man rings up, the first thing he says is "Hows the cat?" "Oh," his bro replys, "She's dead." The man cries hysterically and when he finally calms down he says, "You should have broke it to me gently on the first day. You should have said, "Yeah, yeah she's fine." Then, on the next day you should have said, "Well theres a problem she's stuck on the roof and we are trying to get her down." and then on the next day you could have said, "Its not looking good but we are still trying", and then on the last day you could have said "I'm sorry but she didnt make it...""
The brother thinks for a bit and says "Yeah, that would have been better."
The man suddenly remembers his mother; "Hows mum" he says.
"Oh! ..... Erm .... She's on the roof!"

What's worse than 2 dead babies in a basket? One dead baby in two baskets. And what's even worse? Two baskets in one dead baby.

A little girl finds her puppy dead, laying on it's back and it's legs in the air. She asks her dad why it is like that and her dad told her that it was dead and that it's legs were like that so Jesus could pick it up and take it to heaven.

The next day, the little girl ran to her dad and said "dad, mum nearly died today. She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting ' Oh Jesus, I'm coming!!!! I'm cooooommmmminnnnnnng!!!!!!' and if the milkman hadn't been holding her down, we would have lost her.